CHARACTER GUEST POST: Top 10 - Ways to Keep Romance Alive & Sex Extra Spicy After Kids
Ryan: Good morning, afternoon, evening, or whenever you’re catching this.
Brandon: A simple hi would have sufficed.
Ryan: I’m trying to be respectful of everyone’s different time zones. Do you know how annoying it is when I read something at five p.m. and it says good morning? Morning happened for me eight hours ago when I was taking care of kids and didn’t have time to work on a blog.
Brandon: You’re ranting.
Ryan: Whatever. My name is Ryan Keller III Esquire.
Brandon: No one else in your family is named Ryan and you’re not an esquire.
Ryan: Who peed in your Fruit Loops?
Brandon: There was a definite possibility it was our son after I took his iPad away.
Ryan: Why did you do that?
Brandon: Because he was going around screaming that boobs were awesome. Something he saw on YouTube.
Ryan: Well, to many, people’s boobs are awesome.
Brandon: He’s five.
Ryan: He’s going to grow up to be a pimp, isn’t he?
Brandon: There’s a strong possibility.
Ryan: Well, we will just have to teach him to take care of his ho’s and settle for nothing less then sixty percent of the royalties. Or he might have to bust a cap in the John.
Brandon: Please stop talking about our son like he’s in Grand Theft Auto and get down to the reason we are here. Kimmers allowed us some freedom to share something on her blog while she is away soaking up the sun in the Caribbean.
Ryan: Right. My husband Brandon and I are here to give you a top ten list on how to keep the romance alive and the sex extra spicy after you have kids. So without further delay, here it is.
Brandon: Oh, God, she is never gonna ask us back!
Ryan: What do you mean, Kimmers is gonna love this shit!
1. Make date nights at least once a week.
Brandon: It’s important to have some quality time between you and your partner away from the kids. Take yourselves outside the house and remind each other why you became a couple in the first place.
Ryan: And time away excludes the times you go to the bathroom. Unless you have my son who won’t let you pee in piece either.
2. Don't call eachother Daddy and Pappa when the kids aren't around.
Brandon: Remember, you have identities outside of being parents.
Ryan: Unless you’re into the “big daddy” play. Then that’s all up to you.
3. Make technology your bitch.
Brandon: Wait, I didn’t write that one.
Ryan: I did. Remember that FaceTime session we had when you had to work late? I did that sexy strip tease for you and you played with Brandon junior.
Brandon: Fair enough.
4. Remember to make-out, a lot.
Brandon: Sometimes you don’t have time to get down and dirty, but you can make make time for some lip connection.
Ryan: Tonsil hockey, all the way.
5. Pamper each other.
Brandon: It’s nice to come home to a nice backrub and a relaxing glass of wine at the end of the day.
Ryan: Who’s been giving you backrubs???
Brandon: No one. Hint, hint.
6. Open up.
Brandon: Like spread their legs?
Ryan: Not everything that comes out of my mouth is dirty. Just ninety-eight percent. But no, I meant be open and honest with each other. Having good communication is important for a healthy relationship. Trusting your partner outside of the bedroom will help you trust them inside the bedroom.
Brandon: Well, we certainly learned that the hard way.
Ryan: True. Now we trust each other enough so I can hog tie you to the bed post and have my way with you.
Brandon: *rolls eyes*
7. Don't be afraid to bring toys into the bedroom.
Ryan: And out of the bedroom, into the streets, maybe a hotel, restaurants are always an option.
8. Make sure to compliment each other.
Brandon: Ryan, I really like your tie today.
Ryan: Brandon, I really like your giant co…
Brandon: Ryan!!
Ryan: I was going to say giant, cool new glasses.
Brandon: Really?
Ryan: Nope, I was going to say cock.
9. Practice Downward Facing Dog.
Brandon: What??
Ryan: I read somewhere that if you practice Downward Dog in yoga it’s supposed to enhance your sex life.
Brandon: Well, I certainly like you face down, ass up.
Ryan: Just one more baby, then you can have ass up all you want.
10. As the Nike slogan goes, Just Do It.
Brandon: There is never going to be a perfect time or a quiet moment to romance your partner. Just don’t over think it and do it.
Ryan: And if you have to, invest in some rope, tie up your kids, blast the TV and go to town.
Brandon: Thank you for spending your time with us. And don’t forget to check out our story in Tied Together and Tied in Knots.
As a little girl it was always a dream for Z.B. Heller to become She-Ra Princess of Power. Since this dream was unobtainable, she spent what was probably way to long in college trying to “find herself”. Becoming an artist scratched the creative itch until the stories in her head were getting to be to loud for her to get anything else accomplished.
She lives in St. Louis with her husband, son and Flemish Giant rabbit Chloe. In her spare time she likes to read, stalk celebraties on Twitter and create the type of art people scratch their heads about.
